Crusty Logic Christianity & Liberty

What if… We Could Train Truckers Like We Train Mice?

Have you ever been driving down the highway, moved to the left lane to get around a slower car, and suddenly, BAM! It ain’t happening. There’s a truck in the way. And he ain’t budging.

You flash your headlights and… Nothing. No effort to move over so you (and the cars that are now piling up behind you) can get by. You can see a half mile or more of completely clear freeway in front of this guy, but you can’t get to it.

Sunday night I was dreaming about mice… and a trucker who’d blocked me earlier in the day.

If you put a mouse in a maze, he’ll wind his way through until he finds the cheese at the end. The first time he doesn’t even know the cheese is there, but by the second or third time he’s learned a bit, and he works hard to get it as quickly as possible.

He continues to learn with each attempt. He learns which paths are dead-ends that slow him down and begins to avoid them. Interestingly, if, on the last straightaway, just in front of the cheese, you put an electrical shock, he’ll remember it, and find an alternative route. Even though he can see the cheese sitting there, and can’t see the electricity, he remembers the shock, and goes around to the back. Smart little critters.

What if, I dreamed… We legislate that every trucker have an electrode in their seat, with universal remotes for them sold at local Target stores? If a trucker doesn’t move over after you flash your headlights, you press the ‘Mild Reminder’ button, and ‘zzzt’, he gets a slight bit of excitement.

Still hasn’t moved over? You can opt for the ‘Moderate Persuasion’ button. This one was fun because I could see him in his rear-view mirror. He jumped a little. Oh the temptation…

Thus endeth the buttons on the remote. But not my dream. If you’re geeky enough to know what Virtual Easter Eggs are, then you’ll have already googled your third alternative. While holding down the power button on your remote, press the ‘Mild Reminder’ twice, and then press ‘Moderate Persuasion’ once. You’ll likely see the truck swerve right and left a bit, but he’s gotten the message, and he doesn’t want to find out if there’s a fourth option.

This could work even if you’re driving a Smart, Mini-Cooper, or Harley. Talk about power to the little guy!

Alas, even my dreams must eventually lean a bit more Libertarian (as enjoyable as the thought of those very un-Libertarian electrodes was).

What if… Every time a trucker needlessly blocked someone, the blocked driver eventually made their way safely in front of the trucker and slowed his left lane blocking self down a bit? Just enough to cause him to have to downshift four or five gears and then upshift back through those same gears to get back up to speed. Would this be enough of a PITA for him to eventually learn that blocking the left lane can be a bit of a dead-end?

If only this weren’t a dream.

After I woke up I thought about my dreams.

What if…, thought I, we didn’t have to treat truckers like mice?


Prologue: Since my dream, that every time I see a truck, I imagine a mouse driving it. Hah!

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