Part I – Guys Can Be Such Jerks

Part II – Who Are Sex Offenders?

Preventing Sex Offenses I – Self Prevention

An engineer was crossing a road one day, when a frog called out to him and said, “If you kiss me, I’ll turn into a beautiful princess.”

He bent over, picked up the frog and put it in his pocket.

The frog spoke up again and said, “If you kiss me and turn me back into a

beautiful princess, I will stay with you for one week.”

The engineer took the frog out of his pocket, smiled at it and returned

It to the pocket.

The frog then cried out, “If you kiss me and turn me back into a

Princess, I’ll stay with you for one week and do whatever you want.”

Again, the engineer took the frog out, smiled at it and put it back into

his pocket.

Finally, the frog asked, “What is the matter? I’ve told you I’m a

beautiful princess, and that I’ll stay with you for one week and do whatever you want. Why won’t you kiss me?”

The engineer said, “Look, I’m an engineer. I don’t have time for sex, but a talking frog, now that’s cool.”

—–

Over and over and over I’ve heard people’s surprise when some guy is found to be a sex offender.  Never be surprised.  Even if he’s an engineer.  Or a college coach.

If we’re driving and approach an intersection where we have the right-of-way but then see a car coming fast down the road to our left, most of us don’t continue through just because we have the right-of-way.

Similarly, everyone, guys and gals, need to use some common sense and take some reasonable precautions against sexual assaults.  Just because you have the right not to be raped or groped doesn’t mean that it’s not going to happen.  And the perpetrator being arrested or sent to jail afterwards will do little to reduce any harm from it.

Most sexual assaults are crimes of opportunity – if he doesn’t have the opportunity to assault you, if you eliminate that opportunity, then you’re spared a potentially huge amount of pain and anguish.  Unfortunately too many people provide too many opportunities.  Why?  Because, unlike in generations past, they don’t have a realistic understanding of the male sex drive.

A judge recently told me that she long ago stopped feeling sorry for most rape and sexual assault victims in her court.  As she put it, if you do something stupid, don’t be surprised if something stupid happens, and the vast majority of cases she saw were, in her opinion, the result of victim stupidity[1].

Reading through rape reports makes it easy to understand how she comes by this.  Despite numerous reports of women being assaulted while running alone in a park or some deserted part of town, one after another still does it, and some get assaulted.  A gal at a party hops in a car with some guy she’s just met and gets raped back at his place.  Did she really not think that sex was at the forefront of his mind?  And on and on the reports go.

Some people complain that this isn’t fair, that young women (and young guys) shouldn’t have to avoid something for fear of being raped.  I agree.  However, it is reality, just like watching out for idiot drivers.  The idiot drivers and rapists should certainly be punished, but again, that will do little for the victim after the fact.

Fair or not, why, after eons of time, do women today still fall prey to these guys and why is it so much worse in the U.S.?  We’ve politically corrected ourselves in to a disaster.  We feed our kids, and ourselves, a bunch of gobbledegook that anyone else in history, and in other countries today, laugh at.

Women today are taught that male and female sex drives are similar or even the same.  And then they wonder why a guy says he loves her and then breaks up with her after they’ve had sex.  Didn’t he feel the same way she did?  (Not exactly – it’s not that he loves her with sex, it’s that he loves sex, …with her, …or whoever else’s legs he can get between.)

How important is sex to guys?  Well over $50 billion per year important.  Just in direct cash outlay, guys in the U.S. spend about $28 billion per year on prostitutes, $8 billion on porn, $3 billion in strip clubs, and untold billions on dates hoping for or expecting a little something in return later.  Then there’s the barter world where sex is traded for grades, sales, job promotions, forgiveness of an arrest, clothes, information, votes, and everything else imaginable.  And this just for the sex guys want in addition to all of that within committed relationships or friends with benefits.

But that’s all consensual sex.  Many guys, about a quarter of them, will venture further if they can’t get what they crave consensually.  And thus date rape, stranger rape, forced prostitution, and other sexual assaults.  And even here guys are willing to spend vast sums of time and money to create the opportunity to get what they want.

Why are so many guys so extremely willing to spend so much money and take so many risks with their careers, health, marriages, and freedom, just for an orgasm?  From Tiger Woods to Charlie Sheen to Herman Cain to Jerry Sandusky to Hugh Grant …to pretty much every guy, why do they keep doing it?

And if sex is that important, how far will they go?  Think about that for just a moment.

Over the past 80 or so years we’ve stopped passing all of this valuable knowledge down from parent to child and generation to generation.  More recently we’ve completely white-washed it with feminist political correctness[2].  On the other side are the parents who get upset about sex education for their 11-year-olds, thinking that they’re protecting their cute innocent little child.  In reality this over protection just leaves their child ignorant and vulnerable down the road (not to mention that their cute little 11-year-old has been talking about sex and maybe doing some things for a long time (Google ‘Kurt Vonnegut  wide open beavers’ for more about what’s going on in little Justin’s head).  None of this is serving us or our children very well[3].

So she’s not just surprised that he didn’t love her as much as she thought, she was surprised when uncle Joe’s hands wandered or her high school math teacher, beloved by all, offers her some special help after school, and wants a little something in return.  Or her best friend is raped when she was running alone through a supposedly safe park.

If we’re as enlightened as we like to think, why has the U.S. become a world leader in rates of rape, sexual assault, STD’s, abortion, teen pregnancy, divorce, and human trafficking?  And we don’t lead by just a few percentage points, but in most of these by multiples – we have two to five times the rate of other developed countries.

Guys crave sex.  They will go to great lengths and take huge risks for some bit of it and nobody has a clue what guy, regardless of how nice and trustworthy he seems, is at what point on the verge of crossing some line.

Most of us likely would not have given a second thought to our daughter visiting King David’s palace.  And more than likely she would have been completely safe 95% of the time.  However, as Bathsheba found out, it’s that 5% of the time that’s the problem.

Being a bit less ignorant (and trusting) and using a bit of common sense may go a long way towards reducing the incidents of rape that have plagued us so heavily.

Point Of No Return

Statistics on rape are horribly murky, but most seem to agree that date or acquaintance rape is considerably more prevalent than stranger rape.  Some estimate that about 20% of teens and as many as 35% of college age women in the U.S. will be date raped.

Do gals today know and understand the fire they are playing with when they sext some guy(s).  Or dress or act or talk provocatively, or lead some guy on during a date, or even just cuddle on the sofa alone with him at night?  I’m not saying that we shouldn’t do any of these things, but we also shouldn’t be surprised if a guy gets all warmed up and then does something about it.  Perhaps he shouldn’t, but shouldn’t have won’t matter much afterwards.

For many guys there is a point of no return.  There is a level of arousal beyond which he no longer possesses enough self-control to make a rational decision or take a rational action – namely, stopping if she says stop.  Legally it is his responsibility to not let himself get to this point when he shouldn’t, realistically extremely few guys will always stop before they reach this point.

Whether he’s pre-planning something or just gets beyond his rational self-control won’t matter much afterwards.  Nor will any punishment he receives.

But there’s an even murkier world.

Buyer Beware

Is consensual sex really consensual?

Well, technically yes.  Perhaps though, only in the same way as purchasing the latest As-Seen-On-TV gadget sometimes is.  This may be another not so great outcome of feminist teaching – that women enjoy casual sex just as much as men and should just go for it.

My friend Mark Regnerus said in his recent Slate article “Sex is Cheap. When attractive women will still bed you, life for young men, even those who are floundering, just isn’t so bad.”  Indeed, the majority of the male population couldn’t be happier with the new feminism.

However, as Mark and Jeremy Uecker found in their research for “Premarital Sex in America”, it’s not so great for women.  Sex unattached to a long-term relationship (a real one, not a ‘I love you so will you have sex with me now’ relationship) leads to increased depression in women.  They found a correlation between the number of sex partners a woman had and the likelihood of depression.  It’s tempting to consider that cause and effect are reversed and that it’s the depression that’s causing the higher number of sex partners.  In some cases that’s true, but in their interviews they found that it more often started with sex that then lead to depression that led to more sex in hope of a relationship to relieve their depression.  And guys were more than willing to oblige.

Just in the last two weeks I’ve heard two sob stories of gals who’d had sex with some guy and then didn’t get what she expected in return.  And I’ve heard dozens if not hundreds of these stories over the years.  Interestingly in a few of these the girl was actually the aggressor, thinking that sex would cement his commitment.  Not.

BTW, I’ve never heard a guy express the same sorrow.

Are gals being sold a bill of goods?  Making decisions based on false assumptions?  They think they’re getting a quality long-lasting product and instead they’re getting a false promise and flimsy plastic?

If she’s only having sex to gain or bolster a relationship, probably so.  She’s misleading herself, she’s being taken advantage of, and in most cases the result will be just the opposite of what she hopes.  Guys lavish attention on girls who’ll provide them sex or who sext pictures and videos of themselves stripping or masturbating.  But this attention is short lived.  How many guys will then want a serious long-term relationship with her?

For guys there is no necessary link between sex and emotions[4].  None.  Well, except for when some emotions will get him some sex.  Guys crave sex.  They crave the endorphin high they get from seeing some bit of her body or running their hands over her.  Most of all, they crave orgasm with her.  No emotions or relationship necessary.  And guys are indiscriminate about who her is.  A girlfriend, one-night stand, prostitute – all the same.  Romantic, huh.

Guys who’ve overcome opiate addictions nearly unanimously say that giving up opium is a cinch compared to giving up sex.  The only way to satisfy their sex craving is orgasm, with a cute young girl.  To be repeated again tomorrow (or in a few hours).

A recent article in Relevant Magazine quoted Carissa Woodwyk:

“For a woman, it often becomes about the man: I need to please him; I need to make him happy; I need to satisfy his sexual appetite,” Woodwyk says. “For a man, it often becomes about himself.  He feels empowered, strong, invigorated, worthwhile, and alive.  Sex makes him feel like a man.”

I’ll take Woodwyk’s word for it on her first statement, but she’s grossly misled on her second.  For guys it’s physical, it’s about the high and the endorphins and the orgasm.  That’s it.  Nothing more.  All the stuff Woodwyk lists are byproducts that can be had more easily through other accomplishments like sports, business, financial, or leadership.

Now, putting guys sexual cravings somewhat aside, when it comes time for a serious life-long relationship things change a bit.  Here, most guys prefer virgins.  The knowledge sitting in the back of his head that she’s had sex with some other guy, or several other guys, or that she’s sexted nude pictures of herself to a bunch of guys, becomes a huge weak link in his commitment[5].  Shallow, but reality.  Double standard?  You betcha.  Guys put on a lot of bravado about not really caring that much.  Of course, how can they say anything else when they’re trying to get gals panties off?  When you continue talking to them though, particularly after they’ve married, you realize how much they really do care.  No guy wants to feel like a cuckold.

Some guys do get over this issue, but most do not.  Statistically, women who have had sex with only one man, her husband or future husband, appear about three times less likely to end up divorced than women who have had sex with others.  Interestingly, when that first sex occurs with her husband, before or after the wedding, appears to have no impact[6].

We all tend to appreciate and value and take better care of that which we’ve had to work for.  This goes for sex as well.  Guys do not value that which costs them nothing.

On the other hand, thanks to contraception and changes in societal pressure, the costs of sex and multiple sex partners for women, on the surface anyway, seem low or non-existent.  However, if she’s hoping for a long-term relationship someday, with someone who values her, the costs may be just as high as ever.  So, if a gal chooses to have sex and knows the realities, the trade-offs and risks and consequences, go for it.  Just as there are many gals who are quite happy to trade sex for $300 or a passing grade in a class or a promotion, there are some who are quite willing to trade sex for whatever short-term relationship they’ll gain.  And, presumably, others who simply desire sex, regardless of receiving anything in return.

However, getting back to how many sob stories I’ve heard from gals about having sex with some guy who didn’t follow up with what she expected in return, I’d question how many gals are doing so with their eyes and minds open.  Guys may think with their little head, but gals with their emotional head.  And it works out much better for the guy.

Prostitutes get exactly what they expect, $300 cold hard cash.  No disappointment, no misleading ‘I love you’s’.  Gals providing sex in return for a relationship are often sorely disappointed when they don’t get what they expect.

Think about this, the average guy will break up with the first 6 gals he has sex with[7].  A good question to ask then is how will she feel being one of his first 6?

One result.  There are a number of gals walking around with an angry chip on their shoulder towards guys.  They had sex and then felt like they were had (and they likely were).  Being had doesn’t feel good.

And Evangelical Christian guys?  They only have sex with about five cute young girls before marriage.  By age 17, 47% of Evangelical Christian guys, those in our Evangelical Christian youth groups, have had at least one sex partner and a quarter have had three or more[8].  Just wait till they get to their Christian colleges.  So much for that abstinence fairy-tale promulgated in our youth groups.

Abstinence much past about age 18 is not realistic for most guys, Christian or not.  Expecting much else isn’t faith, it’s ignorance.  And an ignorance that causes a lot of harm to a lot of people.

Equality?  Not.

Isn’t this a two-way street though?  Doesn’t this all work the same in the reverse?  What applies to gals also applies to guys and vice-versa?  No.  Not in reality and not Biblically.  But if you want to think that it does, go for it.

Outside of a committed life-long relationship sex is pretty much a one-way deal.  She is giving him sex.  He is taking it from her.  There is no cost for him, there may be a lot of costs for her.  Interestingly, some folks are against her charging $300 to make this a somewhat equal transaction, yet loudly support her giving it away for free.  Go figure.

In an informal online survey we posed this question “You and your boyfriend or girlfriend are planning to have sex tonight for the first time.  You are given a chance to ask a genie one question and you ask about the future of this relationship.  The genie replies that your boyfriend or girlfriend will break up with you next week.  Knowing this, do you still want to have sex with them tonight?”  86% of guys replied yes.  11% of gals replied yes.  That says a lot.

—–

For years, even though I knew the statistics, I’d be surprised at some of the folks busted for sexually assaulting someone, visiting a prostitute, having an affair, or succumbing to temptation with their girlfriend.  No more.  Most guys will never sexually assault anyone, but not a single one will surprise me if they do.  Prostitutes, affairs, and temptations?  I’m more surprised by those who don’t than those who do.

I’m not much of a fan of Fox News’ Dr. Keith Ablow.   He often tends to have a somewhat myopic view of the world, people, and human perfection, and believes that all would be great if we’d all just do as he says.  This time however, he nailed it with every word he wrote.  Very much worth reading.

The story of a 21-year-old woman known as Gulnaz has gained a fair bit of press coverage over the past few weeks. She was raped by her cousin’s husband, and SHE was the one put in jail.  AND, apparently, forced to agree to marry her rapist to legitimize her baby – a product of the rape.

Interestingly, in none of CNN’s coverage that I have heard or read is the root cause of this, Islam and Islamic Sharia law, ever mentioned.

Sometimes in the morning my car radio will be on a local station from the night before and I’ll get a bit of Michael Gallagher’s morning show before switching.  I tell you this simply to explain why I would have heard Gallagher.

On this morning’s show Gallagher was calling for the NCAA to give Penn what is often termed the death penalty, effectively ending one or more of their sports programs for some period.

What Sandusky did was awful and he certainly deserves punishment.  Based on what we know so far, Tim Curley, Gary Schultz, Joe Paterno, Mike McQueary, and others who were aware of the incident and did nothing, or worse, covered for Sandusky, deserve punishment.

But the death penalty?  No way.  First, this would penalize dozens of completely innocent students and staff who had nothing to do with this incident.  Second, it would likely have the exact opposite effect of what we want.  Instead of encouraging people to do the right thing, this would likely cause more cover-ups.  Student athletes and staff would be afraid to report incidents for fear of their program being killed.  Entire athletic departments would become hush zones where nobody would talk.  That’s not what we want.  People who are guilty should shoulder the penalty for their actions, innocent people should not be put in a situation where choosing to do the right thing unnecessarily punishes them.

And those Penn fans.  I can understand people being unhappy about Paterno’s firing on Wednesday.  But protesting?  Really?  Do Penn State fans and students not have a clue of the likely harm done to a number of young guys by Sandusky?  And that Paterno likely played a role in allowing these kids to be raped?  Is winning a football game or having Paterno as coach more important than a kid being raped?  Even one?  And we’re talking about eight or more.

Penn State fans have achieved the status of the most disgusting fans in college sports.

On sunday our church had its annual giving of Bibles to first graders.  A very cool thing.

As I sat there watching these 29 kids I wondered what their lives would be like in 10 or 20 years.  Here’s a very quick estimate.  Lest you think these are based on the general population and don’t apply to our sweet little evangelical gems, think again.  This is based on statistics of evangelical Christians, and where known, specific to white or middle and upper income evangelical Christians[1][2][3].

In 5 Years (6^th grade)

Family – Four of them will have gone through a divorce of their parents and over half will have divorced grandparents.

Faith – 27 will still be attending church at least somewhat regularly and consider themselves Christian, if for no other reason than their parents take them to church.

Sex – All but two or three will be very aware of their own and others sexuality and will be at least somewhat interested in coupling.  One of the girls will have had consensual sex and four girls and two guys will have fooled around with each other’s bodies some.  About half the guys will have discovered their own road to enjoyment.  One guy or gal will have been sexually assaulted.

Other – One or two will have experimented with illicit alcohol (EG, apart from their parents), and possibly have smoked some pot.

Parents – Almost totally oblivious.  It’s fascinating, and sad, the number of parents who will get upset and say that a sex ed curriculum or even just a survey will corrupt their innocent child, with no realization that their child is not only not so innocent, but less clueless than their parents have become.

In 10 Years (11^th grade)

Family – Seven of these kids, almost a third, will now live in divorced households, splitting their time between their two parents.  One or two will have parents and grandparents spread out among six different households.

Faith – While 23 are still attending church, about a third of these are having very serious doubts about their faith.  Many will attribute this to hypocrisy and shallowness they see in their church and parents.  They can’t connect much of what their parents and church say about Christianity with what’s actually written in the Bible.  Most will not think it OK to discuss their doubts with anyone lest they be labeled a weak Christian.

Sex – 18 will have had consensual (or at least technically consensual) sex with at least one other person, three of these will have had at least three sex partners, many within their church youth group.  All but one of the guys will have discovered themselves and most will do so regularly, often with some porn.  Three will have an STD, but only one will know it.  One or two of the girls, likely who are still attending church regularly, have gotten abortions[4].  One of the guys and three of the girls will have experienced some form of sexual assault.

Other – Four will have smoked pot, 20 will have had some illicit alcohol.  Numerous will have begun perfecting the art of lying and hypocrisy – about how strong their faith is, that they haven’t sinned, and for the most part are living happily in the little good-Christian box.

Parents – Largely oblivious.  Many seem to know, at least in their speech, what’s going on, but they’re afraid to talk about it.  Or perhaps think their kid is excempt.  Some parents are too strict causing a Katy Perry syndrome in their children.

In 15 Years (College Seniors)

Mortality – By now one will likely have died, probably in a car crash.

Family – Eight will have divorced parents.

Faith – In ‘You Lost Me’ David Kinnaman provides a good synopsis of what has happened to today’s youth and what likely awaits these cute 1^st graders.  As they approach graduation from college, six are prodigals, have forsaken Christianity entirely and only one will ever re-commit their life to Christ.  Another 11 will have disassociated themselves from institutional church but still consider themselves Christians.  About half of these nomads will go on to lead strong, Christ centered lives, though not all within traditional churches.  Five are effectively exiles within the church, they’re involved but feel alone – there is a disconnect in what the Bible says and what they’re taught as well as between what they’re taught and how they see other Christians act.  One or two of these exiles will eventually forsake Christianity for good.[5]

Sex – 19 are no longer virgins and several have had numerous sex partners.  Virgins and non-virgins are equally split among the various groups of still practicing Christians, exiles, nomads, and prodigals.  While sexual activity is higher than during high school, use of birth control is as well, so hopefully no more abortions.

Other – For most of those at Christian universities lying is now an embedded part of life.  Why, of course they all attend chapel every day, and never touch alcohol, go to R movies, or hold hands with the opposite sex (or same sex).

Parents – Wondering what they did wrong.

In 25 Years

Family – 13, almost half, will now have divorced parents.  According to some psychologists the ones who were adults when their parents divorced may be impacted the worst.

Faith – 13 of the original 29 either attend church or consider themselves serious Christians.  However, many of the church attenders do so from a bit of an ‘I just should’ standpoint – now that they are married and have their own children.  Only about five or six are serious about their Christian faith.  According to surveys of those who’ve forsaken Christianity, extremely few, if any, did so because of anything in the Bible.  Their issue was with the fruit of modern Christian pop culture – hypocrisy, judgementalism, and shallowness.

Marriage – As they stand at the alter about 85% of our original cute 1^st graders have had sex with someone, and likely many someone’s, other than the person they are marrying.  About 75% of the guys will not remain monogamous in this marriage.  Half of these marriages, perhaps more, will end in divorce.

——-

History does often repeat itself.  We just like to convince ourselves that it doesn’t.

Something I often say about statistics is that they must pass the smell test.  Over the past 30 years I have worked with a number of high school youth groups and in a Christian high school, I can attest that these statistics certainly pass the smell test and appear accurate.

The above synopsis represents where kids are today who once stood where these 1^st graders are now.  We know where these cute kids are headed.  What are we going to do about it?

Greed. Perhaps the most common point the Occupy folks seem to be making is that they are protesting greed.  On the other hand, many of them have been shouting that someone should pay for them to go to university.  Who’s greedier, someone who works and earns money legally, or someone who wants the person who works and earns money legally to pay for his university?

Greece. It’s a bit important to understand what’s happening in Greece.  The Greek government, like the U.S., has been spending more than it takes in.  Largely to pay for entitlement programs.  Worse, they have run out of their ability to borrow money from banks or other countries.  The Greek economy does not produce enough to pay for the lifestyle to which its citizens have become accustomed.

While this seems like only a Greek problem or at worst a Euro problem, it is greater.  If Greece defaults, if they are not able to pay their debts, it will raise concerns among banks and countries that other countries like Italy or Spain, or even France, will not be able to pay their debts.  This will create another credit crisis, and perhaps one larger than we’ve seen previously.  Countries won’t be able to borrow nor will private companies.  Without the ability to borrow countries will not be able to pay for their current social welfare systems leaving tens of millions of people without the income they currently receive from their governments and will severely limit private companies ability to retain workers, much less hire new ones.

So, if you’re a worker in the U.S. who wants to keep your job, you also want Greece to pull through their debt crisis.

Herman Cain. A lot is being made about some still rather unknown allegations of sexual misconduct.  Rumors range from him inviting a woman up to his hotel room to making an offending gesture with his hands.  Considering the history of U.S. Presidents, he needs to do a lot more than just invite someone to his hotel room to qualify for President.

Clinton’s list of gropes and sexual trysts is near legendary.  However, he pales in comparison to John F. Kennedy who likely tops the list of presidential cads.  Clinton probably can’t even make the top 50%.  And if you think Romney, Perry, and others don’t have a past?

Occupy Wall Street. Doing some very very quick analysis.  The worst off OWS protester, assuming they live in the U.S., is in the top 14% of the world economy – better off than at least 86% of the people in the rest of the world.  What exactly is their complaint?  Most are probably in the top 4%, better off than 96% of the people in the world.  Why are they so focused on their position in the top 4% instead of the plight of the other 96%?

Just that they are living in the U.S. means that from an opportunity standpoint they are in about the top 5%.  In no other country would any of the OWS folk have a better opportunity to a higher standard of living.  They complain about the top 1% vs. the other 99%, but consider how many of those in the top 1% were a born a part of the 99%.  Almost every single one of them.

Bill Gates grew up at about the 90^th percentile, Warren Buffet about the 80^th, Larry Ellison at about the 20^th percentile.  Charles and David Koch in about the 60^th percentile, but their parents were in about the 15^th.  George Soros (an apparent financier of OWS) was a Hungarian Jew who endured and hid from the Nazi’s in WWII, immigrated to England, worked his way through university, immigrated to the U.S., and made his fortune.  Four of the top 10 are Walton’s, descendents of Sam Walton, founder of Wal-Mart.  Sam grew up on a small farm.  Now look where his grandchildren are.

Steve Jobs grew up at about the 65^th percentile.  Herman Cain at about the 25^th percentile.

Part I – Guys Can Be Such Jerks

Part II – Who Are Sex Offenders?

Note: Accurate statistics regarding sex and sex offenses are extremely difficult to come by.  I have included my best guesstimates based on numerous studies but readers should consider that many of these may be far from reality.  For example, studies on sexual assaults vary from saying that 9% of women will be sexually assaulted in their life to over 90%.  Even the most reputable studies range from 16% to 27%.  Which is correct?  Revenue for the pornography industry should be easy to determine, but numbers here range from $5b per year to $16b. Sometime I hope to do a post looking at these statistics and where they come from.  In the interim I encourage readers to do some of their own research.  While doing so keep in mind that some of these reports have agenda’s driving their statistics rather than the other way around and some use differing definitions that cause huge discrepancies.

—–

Now what?  In talking with a number of people and crunching through all of this, it appears that there are three things that keep us from reducing sexual assaults; guys don’t get help or take control of themselves, potential victims put themselves or are put in dangerous situations, and guys don’t have a viable alternative outlet.  We’ll look at the first of these here and then the other two in follow-up posts.

I – Self Prevention

Certainly the best for everyone is when guys take preventative action on their own; avoiding situations in which they’d be vulnerable and/or going to counseling.

Some guys do this very intentionally.  They control their circumstances rather than being controlled by them.  Some limit travel arrangements that might put them in a compromising situation, others design offices with windows that limit what can go on behind closed doors.  I know two guys who’ve left teaching because they sensed what might happen, and I know several who should have left before something did.

Likewise, many guys go to counseling on their own.

A huge roadblock with both of these though is in the guys mind – perception.  Guys don’t want to be viewed as a pervert and don’t want to view themselves as one.

Over the past 50 or 60 years we’ve socially criminalized the normal God-given male sex drive.  We’ve made it out to be abnormal and perverted.  If you ask the average person on the street if it’s normal for a 40-something guy to be sexually attracted to 15-year-old girls, most will say no, that it’s abnormal.  Psychologists though, say that it is normal.  God says that it is normal.  And for the majority of guys it is reality.

Sit in a café when a girl’s high school volleyball team walks in and watch the guys, especially the ones trying not to look like they’re checking them out.  Once when this happened I caught a gay friend doing so.  He just grinned and said “oh well”.

Many guys with completely normal sex drives and who fear that one day they may not remain in control of themselves, also fear talking to anyone about it.  They don’t want to be classified as a pervert for; their attraction to teen girls, their seemingly insatiable sex appetite, their constant viewing of online porn, their visiting of prostitutes, their inability to refrain from thinking about sex every minute of every day, or their undressing every gal that walks by them.

Far too often these guys become sex offenders – and numerous people get hurt.  Talk about unintended consequences.

We need to change this perception problem.

We can’t lock up every sex offender, much less every potential sex offender.  Nor is it realistic to require every potential sex offender or even every convicted sex offender to take a libido deadening drug as several women’s groups have called for.

Threat of punishment, through incarceration or public embarrassment, only goes so far.  The male sex drive and it’s cravings aren’t exactly good ingredients for rational decision-making, which is critical for any kind of threat to work.  As a popular saying goes, too many guys too often think with their little head instead of their big head.

Opening our eyes and acknowledging reality instead of chasing unrealistic and idealistic expectations will go a long way towards helping guys to take the actions necessary to avoid harming others in their quest for sex.

In his speech yesterday Obama screamed that our economy needs a ‘jolt’.  It doesn’t.  The last thing we need is a jolt.  Jolts go one way and then the other.  What we need is slow steady solid organic growth that will stick around for a while and provide jobs for a long time, not a jolt that will be here today and gone tomorrow.

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A few days ago CNN’s Alison Kosik gave a report from Wall Street in which she accidentally stated the truth.  She was reporting on people upset with new fees on debit cards and said “Banks have a lot more regulations on them this year and they’re passing the cost to the consumer.  They’re sticking it to the consumers.”

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Getting back to the stimulus.  Debt isn’t good, but is sometimes necessary.  What is concerning about the US Government debt is not that we have debt and not even the specific amount, it’s how much it is relative to GDP.  If our GDP was twice what it currently is the amount of our debt and spending wouldn’t be such a concern.

The problem with trying to reduce the debt through higher taxes is that you only make this ratio worse.  If you tax an extra $100 billion, you’ve taken $100b out of the economy to do so.  If you apply 100% of this $100b to debt reduction (something we’ve never done) you may reduce the debt by $100b, but you’ve also reduced GDP by more than $100b.

Note: Part I painted a pretty bleak picture.  Two women have commented to me that it leaves them with little hope for men.  One added that a common topic for women is that there are no good men out there and that many women have given up on finding anyone.  We’ll look at this in Part IV.

Note 2: I’m going to classify this as a work in progress (more so than my usual unedited work in progress posts).  I am also breaking this up in to two posts IIa & IIb.

Now, with Part I as background, let’s take a look at sex offenders – the reds on our chart.

It is often a very fine line that separates a sex offender from a non-offender.  Two guys can be nearly identical in almost every way.  They can have the exact same sex drive, sexual attractions, beliefs of right and wrong, and be identically successful in careers that require a lot of self-discipline.   They can both be equally highly regarded for their character and contributions to their community.

One coaxes a high school girl in to bed, the other resists.  One takes advantage of his drunk co-worker on a trip, the other resists.  One touches a 14-year-old in a sexual way, the other resists.

The desire to do these things is normal, always has been, and isn’t likely to change any time soon.  And, it’s not for better or worse that guys are this way and it’s not sadly that guys are this way.  It’s the way God made guys.

It’s inappropriately acting on these desires that is the problem – from lack of belief that it’s wrong or from lack of enough self-control to limit their actions.  Assuming they share the same beliefs of right and wrong, what separates these two guys is then some combination of the previously discussed self control and circumstance.

Circumstance can be happenstance or intentional.  On the intentional side are the guys who control their circumstances, as best they can.  They avoid situations that they think might be too much for their self control.  They are cautious about travel plans that might put them in too tempting of a situation or they avoid being alone with their girlfriend, particularly if their sexual relationship would be illegal.  I know two guys who stopped teaching because they feared they would do something with a student.  And others who should have.

Then there is the flip side – a guy who intentionally chooses a career or volunteer position that will allow him to more easily pursue his sexual desires.  This could be a youth leader, university professor, cop, or even a restaurant owner.

The happenstance side is unintentional.  A guy finds himself in a circumstance beyond his level of self control – completely innocently or because of stupidity on his part in not avoiding the situation.  This might be a professor planning to meet three students for a field trip and only one very cute gal shows up, or the guy he’d expected to travel with him on a business trip can’t come and a cute gal shows up instead.

Who then are Sex Offenders?

The vast majority are every-day guys.  Many are no different than any other guy except that they found themselves in a circumstance that was beyond their ability to deal with at the time.  Many and maybe even most guys in the same circumstance might do the same thing.

When I hear some guy expressing his sorrow for sticking his hand up some young girls shirt or taking advantage of his drunk date, I believe he truly is sorry.  In some and maybe even most cases he is truly sorry that he did it.  He does not want to be a sex offender.  He does not though, within himself, posses the self control (or the ability to decide to use his self control?) to keep himself from doing it.

Many sex offenders are truly disgusted with themselves and their actions.  One psychologist said it’s a bit like someone with turrets – they don’t like the ticks or the verbal blurts, or their inability to control their hands, but they can’t help it.

On the other hand, some of these guys are far more sorry that they got caught than that they did something.  They are self-centered and predatory, they have little or no regard for their victims and may go to great lengths in planning and executing their plan to get their sexual needs met.

Sorting all of this out is, at best, rather difficult.

Now What?

One first step in dealing with this might be figuring out who the potential sex offenders are.  Ain’t gonna happen.

When it comes to sex, guys are pigs.  And, only a fool thinks that they know if any particular guy, no matter how well they know him, is at any particular point, a green, yellow, red, or somewhere in between.  Guys themselves don’t even know sometimes.

The most often heard remark by victims is their complete and utter surprise that so-and-so would do something like that.  Don’t be surprised.  He’s a guy.  Guys are pigs.  Convicted sex offenders cover every demographic you can imagine.  Every race, religion, career, social status, and personality.  Catholic priests aren’t unusual, just newsworthy.

The only differentiator between an offender and a non-offender is often pure circumstance, and this is nearly always the difference in becoming a victim, or not.

If we want to prevent sex offenses we must then begin with the premise that EVERY guy is a potential sex offender.  In actuality this is more than just a premise though, it’s near reality.  Every teacher, pastor, boss, subordinate, uncle, brother, repairman, friend’s father, and all the rest.

With this reality there are three options for preventing sex offenses; Guys control themselves, potential victims control their circumstances, guys find acceptable alternatives.

In Part IIb we’ll look at these in more depth.