Crusty Logic Christianity & Liberty

Preventing Sex Offenses II – Playing With Fire

Part I – Guys Can Be Such Jerks

Part II – Who Are Sex Offenders?

Preventing Sex Offenses I – Self Prevention

An engineer was crossing a road one day, when a frog called out to him and said, “If you kiss me, I’ll turn into a beautiful princess.”

He bent over, picked up the frog and put it in his pocket.

The frog spoke up again and said, “If you kiss me and turn me back into a

beautiful princess, I will stay with you for one week.”

The engineer took the frog out of his pocket, smiled at it and returned

It to the pocket.

The frog then cried out, “If you kiss me and turn me back into a

Princess, I’ll stay with you for one week and do whatever you want.”

Again, the engineer took the frog out, smiled at it and put it back into

his pocket.

Finally, the frog asked, “What is the matter? I’ve told you I’m a

beautiful princess, and that I’ll stay with you for one week and do whatever you want. Why won’t you kiss me?”

The engineer said, “Look, I’m an engineer. I don’t have time for sex, but a talking frog, now that’s cool.”

—–

Over and over and over I’ve heard people’s surprise when some guy is found to be a sex offender.  Never be surprised.  Even if he’s an engineer.  Or a college coach.

If we’re driving and approach an intersection where we have the right-of-way but then see a car coming fast down the road to our left, most of us don’t continue through just because we have the right-of-way.

Similarly, everyone, guys and gals, need to use some common sense and take some reasonable precautions against sexual assaults.  Just because you have the right not to be raped or groped doesn’t mean that it’s not going to happen.  And the perpetrator being arrested or sent to jail afterwards will do little to reduce any harm from it.

Most sexual assaults are crimes of opportunity – if he doesn’t have the opportunity to assault you, if you eliminate that opportunity, then you’re spared a potentially huge amount of pain and anguish.  Unfortunately too many people provide too many opportunities.  Why?  Because, unlike in generations past, they don’t have a realistic understanding of the male sex drive.

A judge recently told me that she long ago stopped feeling sorry for most rape and sexual assault victims in her court.  As she put it, if you do something stupid, don’t be surprised if something stupid happens, and the vast majority of cases she saw were, in her opinion, the result of victim stupidity[1].

Reading through rape reports makes it easy to understand how she comes by this.  Despite numerous reports of women being assaulted while running alone in a park or some deserted part of town, one after another still does it, and some get assaulted.  A gal at a party hops in a car with some guy she’s just met and gets raped back at his place.  Did she really not think that sex was at the forefront of his mind?  And on and on the reports go.

Some people complain that this isn’t fair, that young women (and young guys) shouldn’t have to avoid something for fear of being raped.  I agree.  However, it is reality, just like watching out for idiot drivers.  The idiot drivers and rapists should certainly be punished, but again, that will do little for the victim after the fact.

Fair or not, why, after eons of time, do women today still fall prey to these guys and why is it so much worse in the U.S.?  We’ve politically corrected ourselves in to a disaster.  We feed our kids, and ourselves, a bunch of gobbledegook that anyone else in history, and in other countries today, laugh at.

Women today are taught that male and female sex drives are similar or even the same.  And then they wonder why a guy says he loves her and then breaks up with her after they’ve had sex.  Didn’t he feel the same way she did?  (Not exactly – it’s not that he loves her with sex, it’s that he loves sex, …with her, …or whoever else’s legs he can get between.)

How important is sex to guys?  Well over $50 billion per year important.  Just in direct cash outlay, guys in the U.S. spend about $28 billion per year on prostitutes, $8 billion on porn, $3 billion in strip clubs, and untold billions on dates hoping for or expecting a little something in return later.  Then there’s the barter world where sex is traded for grades, sales, job promotions, forgiveness of an arrest, clothes, information, votes, and everything else imaginable.  And this just for the sex guys want in addition to all of that within committed relationships or friends with benefits.

But that’s all consensual sex.  Many guys, about a quarter of them, will venture further if they can’t get what they crave consensually.  And thus date rape, stranger rape, forced prostitution, and other sexual assaults.  And even here guys are willing to spend vast sums of time and money to create the opportunity to get what they want.

Why are so many guys so extremely willing to spend so much money and take so many risks with their careers, health, marriages, and freedom, just for an orgasm?  From Tiger Woods to Charlie Sheen to Herman Cain to Jerry Sandusky to Hugh Grant …to pretty much every guy, why do they keep doing it?

And if sex is that important, how far will they go?  Think about that for just a moment.

Over the past 80 or so years we’ve stopped passing all of this valuable knowledge down from parent to child and generation to generation.  More recently we’ve completely white-washed it with feminist political correctness[2].  On the other side are the parents who get upset about sex education for their 11-year-olds, thinking that they’re protecting their cute innocent little child.  In reality this over protection just leaves their child ignorant and vulnerable down the road (not to mention that their cute little 11-year-old has been talking about sex and maybe doing some things for a long time (Google ‘Kurt Vonnegut  wide open beavers’ for more about what’s going on in little Justin’s head).  None of this is serving us or our children very well[3].

So she’s not just surprised that he didn’t love her as much as she thought, she was surprised when uncle Joe’s hands wandered or her high school math teacher, beloved by all, offers her some special help after school, and wants a little something in return.  Or her best friend is raped when she was running alone through a supposedly safe park.

If we’re as enlightened as we like to think, why has the U.S. become a world leader in rates of rape, sexual assault, STD’s, abortion, teen pregnancy, divorce, and human trafficking?  And we don’t lead by just a few percentage points, but in most of these by multiples – we have two to five times the rate of other developed countries.

Guys crave sex.  They will go to great lengths and take huge risks for some bit of it and nobody has a clue what guy, regardless of how nice and trustworthy he seems, is at what point on the verge of crossing some line.

Most of us likely would not have given a second thought to our daughter visiting King David’s palace.  And more than likely she would have been completely safe 95% of the time.  However, as Bathsheba found out, it’s that 5% of the time that’s the problem.

Being a bit less ignorant (and trusting) and using a bit of common sense may go a long way towards reducing the incidents of rape that have plagued us so heavily.

Point Of No Return

Statistics on rape are horribly murky, but most seem to agree that date or acquaintance rape is considerably more prevalent than stranger rape.  Some estimate that about 20% of teens and as many as 35% of college age women in the U.S. will be date raped.

Do gals today know and understand the fire they are playing with when they sext some guy(s).  Or dress or act or talk provocatively, or lead some guy on during a date, or even just cuddle on the sofa alone with him at night?  I’m not saying that we shouldn’t do any of these things, but we also shouldn’t be surprised if a guy gets all warmed up and then does something about it.  Perhaps he shouldn’t, but shouldn’t have won’t matter much afterwards.

For many guys there is a point of no return.  There is a level of arousal beyond which he no longer possesses enough self-control to make a rational decision or take a rational action – namely, stopping if she says stop.  Legally it is his responsibility to not let himself get to this point when he shouldn’t, realistically extremely few guys will always stop before they reach this point.

Whether he’s pre-planning something or just gets beyond his rational self-control won’t matter much afterwards.  Nor will any punishment he receives.

But there’s an even murkier world.

Buyer Beware

Is consensual sex really consensual?

Well, technically yes.  Perhaps though, only in the same way as purchasing the latest As-Seen-On-TV gadget sometimes is.  This may be another not so great outcome of feminist teaching – that women enjoy casual sex just as much as men and should just go for it.

My friend Mark Regnerus said in his recent Slate article “Sex is Cheap. When attractive women will still bed you, life for young men, even those who are floundering, just isn’t so bad.”  Indeed, the majority of the male population couldn’t be happier with the new feminism.

However, as Mark and Jeremy Uecker found in their research for “Premarital Sex in America”, it’s not so great for women.  Sex unattached to a long-term relationship (a real one, not a ‘I love you so will you have sex with me now’ relationship) leads to increased depression in women.  They found a correlation between the number of sex partners a woman had and the likelihood of depression.  It’s tempting to consider that cause and effect are reversed and that it’s the depression that’s causing the higher number of sex partners.  In some cases that’s true, but in their interviews they found that it more often started with sex that then lead to depression that led to more sex in hope of a relationship to relieve their depression.  And guys were more than willing to oblige.

Just in the last two weeks I’ve heard two sob stories of gals who’d had sex with some guy and then didn’t get what she expected in return.  And I’ve heard dozens if not hundreds of these stories over the years.  Interestingly in a few of these the girl was actually the aggressor, thinking that sex would cement his commitment.  Not.

BTW, I’ve never heard a guy express the same sorrow.

Are gals being sold a bill of goods?  Making decisions based on false assumptions?  They think they’re getting a quality long-lasting product and instead they’re getting a false promise and flimsy plastic?

If she’s only having sex to gain or bolster a relationship, probably so.  She’s misleading herself, she’s being taken advantage of, and in most cases the result will be just the opposite of what she hopes.  Guys lavish attention on girls who’ll provide them sex or who sext pictures and videos of themselves stripping or masturbating.  But this attention is short lived.  How many guys will then want a serious long-term relationship with her?

For guys there is no necessary link between sex and emotions[4].  None.  Well, except for when some emotions will get him some sex.  Guys crave sex.  They crave the endorphin high they get from seeing some bit of her body or running their hands over her.  Most of all, they crave orgasm with her.  No emotions or relationship necessary.  And guys are indiscriminate about who her is.  A girlfriend, one-night stand, prostitute – all the same.  Romantic, huh.

Guys who’ve overcome opiate addictions nearly unanimously say that giving up opium is a cinch compared to giving up sex.  The only way to satisfy their sex craving is orgasm, with a cute young girl.  To be repeated again tomorrow (or in a few hours).

A recent article in Relevant Magazine quoted Carissa Woodwyk:

“For a woman, it often becomes about the man: I need to please him; I need to make him happy; I need to satisfy his sexual appetite,” Woodwyk says. “For a man, it often becomes about himself.  He feels empowered, strong, invigorated, worthwhile, and alive.  Sex makes him feel like a man.”

I’ll take Woodwyk’s word for it on her first statement, but she’s grossly misled on her second.  For guys it’s physical, it’s about the high and the endorphins and the orgasm.  That’s it.  Nothing more.  All the stuff Woodwyk lists are byproducts that can be had more easily through other accomplishments like sports, business, financial, or leadership.

Now, putting guys sexual cravings somewhat aside, when it comes time for a serious life-long relationship things change a bit.  Here, most guys prefer virgins.  The knowledge sitting in the back of his head that she’s had sex with some other guy, or several other guys, or that she’s sexted nude pictures of herself to a bunch of guys, becomes a huge weak link in his commitment[5].  Shallow, but reality.  Double standard?  You betcha.  Guys put on a lot of bravado about not really caring that much.  Of course, how can they say anything else when they’re trying to get gals panties off?  When you continue talking to them though, particularly after they’ve married, you realize how much they really do care.  No guy wants to feel like a cuckold.

Some guys do get over this issue, but most do not.  Statistically, women who have had sex with only one man, her husband or future husband, appear about three times less likely to end up divorced than women who have had sex with others.  Interestingly, when that first sex occurs with her husband, before or after the wedding, appears to have no impact[6].

We all tend to appreciate and value and take better care of that which we’ve had to work for.  This goes for sex as well.  Guys do not value that which costs them nothing.

On the other hand, thanks to contraception and changes in societal pressure, the costs of sex and multiple sex partners for women, on the surface anyway, seem low or non-existent.  However, if she’s hoping for a long-term relationship someday, with someone who values her, the costs may be just as high as ever.  So, if a gal chooses to have sex and knows the realities, the trade-offs and risks and consequences, go for it.  Just as there are many gals who are quite happy to trade sex for $300 or a passing grade in a class or a promotion, there are some who are quite willing to trade sex for whatever short-term relationship they’ll gain.  And, presumably, others who simply desire sex, regardless of receiving anything in return.

However, getting back to how many sob stories I’ve heard from gals about having sex with some guy who didn’t follow up with what she expected in return, I’d question how many gals are doing so with their eyes and minds open.  Guys may think with their little head, but gals with their emotional head.  And it works out much better for the guy.

Prostitutes get exactly what they expect, $300 cold hard cash.  No disappointment, no misleading ‘I love you’s’.  Gals providing sex in return for a relationship are often sorely disappointed when they don’t get what they expect.

Think about this, the average guy will break up with the first 6 gals he has sex with[7].  A good question to ask then is how will she feel being one of his first 6?

One result.  There are a number of gals walking around with an angry chip on their shoulder towards guys.  They had sex and then felt like they were had (and they likely were).  Being had doesn’t feel good.

And Evangelical Christian guys?  They only have sex with about five cute young girls before marriage.  By age 17, 47% of Evangelical Christian guys, those in our Evangelical Christian youth groups, have had at least one sex partner and a quarter have had three or more[8].  Just wait till they get to their Christian colleges.  So much for that abstinence fairy-tale promulgated in our youth groups.

Abstinence much past about age 18 is not realistic for most guys, Christian or not.  Expecting much else isn’t faith, it’s ignorance.  And an ignorance that causes a lot of harm to a lot of people.

Equality?  Not.

Isn’t this a two-way street though?  Doesn’t this all work the same in the reverse?  What applies to gals also applies to guys and vice-versa?  No.  Not in reality and not Biblically.  But if you want to think that it does, go for it.

Outside of a committed life-long relationship sex is pretty much a one-way deal.  She is giving him sex.  He is taking it from her.  There is no cost for him, there may be a lot of costs for her.  Interestingly, some folks are against her charging $300 to make this a somewhat equal transaction, yet loudly support her giving it away for free.  Go figure.

In an informal online survey we posed this question “You and your boyfriend or girlfriend are planning to have sex tonight for the first time.  You are given a chance to ask a genie one question and you ask about the future of this relationship.  The genie replies that your boyfriend or girlfriend will break up with you next week.  Knowing this, do you still want to have sex with them tonight?”  86% of guys replied yes.  11% of gals replied yes.  That says a lot.

—–

For years, even though I knew the statistics, I’d be surprised at some of the folks busted for sexually assaulting someone, visiting a prostitute, having an affair, or succumbing to temptation with their girlfriend.  No more.  Most guys will never sexually assault anyone, but not a single one will surprise me if they do.  Prostitutes, affairs, and temptations?  I’m more surprised by those who don’t than those who do.


[1] There’s a huge grey area between someone desiring and fully consenting to have sex, and rape.  I’ll make little effort to distinguish every nuance between these because it’s fairly impossible to do.  Gals are often not even sure themselves to what extent they agreed to something, or at the least, didn’t resist ‘enough’.

[2] A big part of the women’s equality movement was to espouse that women are equal to men in EVERY way.  This included saying that women’s sex drives were just the same as men’s.  The result is a dangerous environment of new generations of women in the U.S. not having the same understanding of men’s sex drives that women once did.  This has left many women vulnerable to rape, sexual assault, or even just the very frequent disappointment that all he wanted was sex and didn’t really love her after all.

[3] There is, seemingly, a bit of a related deal with guys – too many no longer being taught self control.  Partially, it appears, because parents themselves don’t understand the male sex drive, and partially because they don’t feel it necessary with our more open sexual environment.  After all, he won’t need to control himself, he’ll just have sex with whomever.

[4] This is different than the reverse – a true loving relationship.  For most guys there is a vast difference in sex purely for orgasm and sex with someone they truly love.  The latter however doesn’t diminish the former.  He still craves sex with a variety of cute young girls.  Ashton Kutcher the latest example.

[5] Context seems to play a big role.  Sexting a nude pic of herself to ten guys seems to make a huge difference, while having been nude on a nude beach a hundred times seems to have little or no negative impact.

[6] What role her virginity actually plays versus other related factors (she is also much more likely to be from a more stable two-parent non-divorced family and perhaps be more conscientious in decision-making) is a bit unknown.

[7] Most studies, including [… ] indicate that the average guy in the US has sex with 7 gals prior to marriage.  Assuming he marries the 7th, then he obviously has broken up with (or been broken up by) the prior 6.  If we limit this only to guys who have sex prior to engagement, the average is 9.

[8] Mark Regnerus. Forbidden Fruit: Sex & Religion in the Lives of American Teenagers.

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