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I’m Feeling Very Fragile Today

CL6-3025One of my worlds is photography. I shoot some of my own stuff for articles and I also enjoy it as a hobby. I particularly enjoy shooting candids of people. Sometimes though, they are not so happy about me shooting candids of them if I’m not candid enough.

Recently in Edinburgh I was doing so at the Stockbridge Market. One guy looked up at me and said “Please don’t, I’m feeling very fragile today.”

I thought that was an interesting phrase.

Well, today it’s my turn. I’m feeling very fragile today.

CL6-3015I occasionally go through what I’ve often termed ‘a bit of a funk’. I question my worth. I feel like I don’t fit in this world, kind of like a square peg in a world of round holes. Kind of hopeless about who I am and the future.

I come by my bouts of depression from a couple of sources. One is hereditary, compliments of my dad who was, despite his depression, an extremely wonderful man beloved by scores of people. We realized how many lives he’d touched only at his funeral that wasn’t just standing room only but people standing outside who couldn’t fit in.

It also comes with ADD which I think also accounts for the square peg syndrome.

CL6-3037Today’s funk, which actually started last night, has nothing to do with Robin Williams other than both of us having depression (and likely ADD) in common. Williams suicide does scare me a bit since I don’t want to ever go there myself.

On the plus side is that I’ve been through this enough that I can usually keep myself relatively convinced that it will pass, often in a day or two. Much the same as I know that various problems and valleys in life will pass because I’ve been through a bunch and have always emerged fairly OK out the other side.

What scares me more is alcoholism. My dad was an alcoholic and I think his dad, my granddad, may have been as well. I am not anti-alcohol but when I’m in a funk like this I’m very cognizant of how close alcoholism is and how quickly the combination of depression and alcohol can lead to a downward spiral from which escape is extremely difficult and for many people, impossible.

CL6-3041I’ll often have a glass of wine with dinner or maybe a beer with friends. Two drinks per day (one on most days) is my max with occasional exceptions like being on vacation in Scotland where a beer with a pub lunch and a wine flight with that night’s six course dinner (and maybe a Scotch afterwards) seems appropriate.

When I’m in a funk though there’s no alcohol for me. It’s one thing to have a drink for the enjoyment of the drink itself, another if that drink is by any stretch self medicating or ‘because I need one.’

FWIW, I am rather anti med. I don’t like they way they make me feel and fortunately I don’t really need them.

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So, to my friend at Stockbridge. I’m with you. And thanks to all of the wonderful people at the Stockbridge Market who let me take their photos and provided wonderful nourishment along the way.

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